If, just a suggestion, you made yourself acquainted with things like “the gas pedal” and “second gear” perhaps it wouldn’t have taken you twice as long to get to your destination as it should have. THREE of your fellow route drivers passed you.
And, you suck.
Add comment June 27th, 2008
I started seeing I was getting a lot of hits from people searching for the word “twergi”. I didn’t know I was popular enough to be googled. Unless apparently, these serchers were looking for a fancy cheese grater (oops). I wanted to see what all the fuss was about so I googled myself.
Have you ever gone home and looked through your family’s photo album? Did ya see the photo from sixth grade… you know the one. You were wearing that ugly hat that you thought made you look so cool with some kind of “world art” pin on your cardigan. Okay, now imagine the douchebag who was your frenemy in high school made copies of that photo and drew a mustache on it and pasted it all over your new town. Thanks, guy!
It’s actually pretty funny, but it was kind of a struggle to figure out how to respond to someone mocking me for a homework assignment for a ridiculous class I took six years ago.
Well played, Bushwick Social Club. As a former resident, its nice to see someone embracing the Bushwick, rather than trying to convince people you really live in East Williamsburg. Hope the L train is better at night now!
Add comment June 20th, 2008
Inspired by this post.
This started as a comment, but so much came to mind I wanted to expand.
My dad had the most lovely, all encompassing belly laugh and bright twinkling blue eyes. You couldn’t help but feel sunshine pour into the room when he was particularly tickled by something.
His bottom two front teeth never came in and he was very self conscious about the two tiny baby teeth that would peek out of his mouth if he smiled too big. He always looks stern in posed photos, but it was all to hide the teeth.
Whenever he cooked he made enough to feed ten armies, even when he only needed to feed himself and my sister. There was no halving recipes for him.
He had a special dimple on one cheek. When he was a young man, a motor from a boat fell on him, although I can’t remember the exact circumstances. I just loved that dimple.
I never saw him without a beard. Although his hair never turned gray or fell out, his beard was salt and pepper and got whiter with age.
He was a competent ballroom dancer. I wish now that I could have kept up.
He had a lingering distaste for kimchee from his tour of duty in Korea. Every year his sister would buy him a jar and for a year, we would live with an untouched jar of kimchee in our fridge until the next Christmas brought its replacement.
Thanks to his excellent green thumb, I have childhood memories of running through corn fields and eating fresh fruits and vegetables off the plants in our back yard.
He loved a good story about his girls and when he found one that seemed to be a hit, he would perfect it and retell it every chance he got. In my story, he caught me on top of the upright piano in the famly room and asked me what I was doing. My reply, at the tender age of 3, was “Getting down, Dad.” He had to make a hasty retreat to the basement where he laughed until he cried before coming back to scold me. Every time he told this story, he would repeat “Getting down, Dad” as if it were the cleverest thing he’d ever heard and I would secretly beam with pride that I could make him laugh, even when I was the horrible age of 14 and pretending to be mortified.
We had a standing phone date on Sundays while I was away during high school and college. This made for some awkward conversations when he started calling my college dorm room at 6am because “it was the only time he’d be sure to catch me in my room.” If my roommate answered, he always introduced himself by his full name. “This is Gilbert Lasher. I’m calling for Jessica Lasher.” She always told me I could tell him to just say “This is Jess’ dad” but you can’t teach an old dog new tricks sometimes.
It will be six years this week since he passed away. In some respects it seems like it happened 20 years ago. In others, just yesterday. I still miss him every day. I think he’d be pretty pleased with how things have turned out.
1 comment June 13th, 2008
me: i can fit two girls in the trunk of my new car
Rummy: thats so random
Rummy: i can fit a boy and a girl in the trunk of my car
Rummy: how do you know?
me: 
Rummy: nice
Rummy: thats how i checked too
Rummy: except i had the balls to close the trunk
4 comments June 3rd, 2008
My friend in Troy, NY is in a coffee shop trying to get some work done when she IMs me about a date that is occurring at the table next to her.
Girl: “I could totally be a lesbian… but I am never going down on a girl”
Then, my dear, you *could* do it, but not very successfully. And really, if you’re going to make that lifestyle choice with all the baggage that can come along with it, why aim for mediocrity?
Guy: Hell comes from Dante’s Inferno—
Girl: —the pizza place?
Guy, friend on IM and me: *stunned silence*
I’ve got nothing to add to this. It’s perfect as it is
Moral of the story. Be careful when saying stupid things next to a girl on a computer. She’s telling her friend 3000 miles away what an idiot you are.
Add comment May 29th, 2008
I totaled my beloved Saab this morning.
I’m sore, bruised, scraped and mostly pissed off. It was my fault. The guy I hit (who didn’t take the brunt of it, since I was almost able to go into the barrier instead, but not quite) is okay, but was limping. His mini van was a rental and the bumper and the back were a little dented, but nothing crazy.
My car, it is fucked. I only had liability. I don’t even really want to think about it now. I just want to take a nap.
ETA: I just re-read this. It’s a lie. The worst morning ever was the one where my dad died, followed by the times I got caught sneaking back in from staying out all night as a teenager or running away. This is possibly the third or fourth worst morning ever.
Add comment May 22nd, 2008
What I’d like to do with my $600 check, which I should be getting around June 13th:
Get a new digital camera to replace the wet one: $250
Replace my brakes: $350
Pay for my ticket back from Fattyburger: $315
Buy my Rollercon ticket: $207
Take my cats to the vet: $150
Pay my mom back for the money she lent me to pay my taxes: $1000
Total: $2,272
Hm… I think I need to rejig my math. I didn’t even put any skate upgrades on there.
Add comment May 21st, 2008
Hi! Welcome to my pity party! Do you want to hear all about how my knee still hurts and I’m not skating? Do you? No? How about I tell you the one about how my knee pain is making me cranky? Hmm, you heard that one already? What? Twice? Damn. I bet you’ll want to pat my head and say “poor baby” when I tell you about the hell that is trying to make an appointment with Kaiser for an orthopedic specialist? Well, yes, its similar to my plight in getting regularly scheduled pelvic exams, but you know, with a different, more PG rated body part.
Oh, you’ve just remembered you left your stove on? Well, okay. But please leave the beer. And I’ll be sure to call you to tell you how my meeting with a new financial adviser goes tomorrow… yes, its about all the tax I paid… Why are you running?
(I’m fine really, this week is just testing me and doesn’t seem to be letting up.)
Add comment May 20th, 2008
I’ve been experimenting with zucchini bread for the last couple of weekends, hoping to trade baked goods for massage services with another derby girl who is a super strict vegetarian (ie. no eggs). The results came out really well.
1c. sugar
1.5c. unsweetened apple sauce
1c. vegetable oil (I subbed in some olive oil when I ran out… it seemed fine)
3tsp. vanilla
3c. + 2tbsp flour
1tsp. baking soda
1tsp. baking powder
3tsp. cinnamon
2c. (or whatever you have on hand) zucchini grated
1/4c. water if necessary
Mix first 4 ingredients together in a large bowl with a hand mixer. Sift together dry ingredients into a smaller bowl. Add dry to wet while mixing, I would add about a cup or so at a time. At this point, the dough is going to seem a little dry, don’t worry! Add your zucchini in, which will add some moisture, especially if you grate it right over the bowl. If you still really sticky, add in your water.
Bake at 375 for 40-50 minutes.
Notes: When I made this recipe with eggs, I used 3 eggs instead of the applesauce and two cups of sugar, baking for a full hour at 375. It was way too sweet and a little drier. I really liked the texture better with the applesauce. The next time I make this, I’ll try 1c. applesauce and 2 eggs, keeping the sugar where it is.
Add comment May 19th, 2008
I have difficulty saying: mustache
I can never spell correctly: restaurant (thanks spell check)
Pairs I love: puppy biscuit; dental pick
Shakespearian character with the most fun to say name: Polonious
Feel free to add some of yours. I’m having some writing blockage so help me out with some lovely lovey words.
Add comment May 13th, 2008
Check out my rockin’ hand bruise! Yay! I did three hours of skating today: regular practice and an hour of training with one of the vets before. And after I went out to dinner and margaritas with a friend visiting for 26 hours from Seattle and his school buddy. Hi Ian! And now I kinda wanna die. Yay!
Seriously. I’m so happy to be back skating. I wish this were a better post, but look. It’s 1am. I’m mostly just babbling out of blog-guilt anyway.
And no, I still haven’t gotten a camera yet. But I just ordered some outdoor wheels! Yay!
1 comment April 30th, 2008
Buttersnatch Sundae: How’s it feeling?
Me (on my third lap around the track): It’s almost better than sex!
I’m back to (gently) skating. No words can describe how awesome it is.
1 comment April 23rd, 2008
Well hello there!
I haven’t had much to say since the knee incident. I’m healing up, although I got a little over-excited about how mobile I’ve become at the bout on Saturday and spent most of Sunday with my leg pearched delicately on a pillow. I am not trying out tomorrow. I am, deep down, okay with this. I could use the extra practice and have talked to one of the vets about some private training once I’m back to normal. In the meantime, I’ll be chilling with the Enforcers, the LADD reffing crew, hopefully kickin’ ass and takin’ stats.
To make up for the lack of content, please enjoy a photo from October. We got up at ass-crack o’clock one morning to head out to Topenga to try and get some photos of surfers at sunrise. I did get a few, but I really loved this sign across the street from the beach. Click the pic for a link to the set.
Add comment April 14th, 2008
I, um, sprained my ankle and knee. Doing a t-stop. At a slow speed.
2-4 weeks of rest. That puts me back on skates past April 15th sub-pool tryouts.
Fuck.
3 comments April 6th, 2008
I woke up in an amazing amount of pain around 4am, convinced that someone had put four very tiny elephants in my right elbow.
It’s still sore. It must be their pointy tusks.
Add comment April 4th, 2008
Rick-rolling. (Look it up on Wikipedia if you need to. I’ll wait.)
It’s never funny.
Also, it may cause me to plan to slice your Achilles tendons in your sleep.
Thaaaanks.
Add comment April 1st, 2008
– I am freakin’ full of rage today. Rarrr. Rarr. I bet you can feel my rage through the Internets.
– I am also very tired. I haven’t really slept well since Saturday when I slept all day. Probably contributing to massive rage issue.
– Also, also, my eye is twitching like I’m stressed out or something.
– On a note that’s possibly related to all of this, tryouts for derby are on April 15th.
Make of this list what you will. I am too tired to analyze it.
––––
I offered to let the boyfriend try to get to second base with Scarlet Johansen should he ever have the opportunity (and given the way that the holllywood types have been showing up at derby, its totally within the realm of possibility). He’s been cursing his social awkwardness ever since the offer has been made. I was just being funny, but the whole conversation got me thinking.
Do kids in other countries use culturally appropriate sports metaphors for touching a girl’s boobies? I’m sure there’s a good “I knocked her wicket right off” joke in there somewhere. See above about the tired.
Add comment March 27th, 2008
I want to hump them. They are so sexay and grippy and lovely.
Let me back up to the wheels that came with my skates, for anyone who may be reading this who might be interested in a starter derby package.
STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM PINK SURE GRIP ZOOMS.
Also, apparently the green ones. The red ones, for some reason, don’t seem to be giving people problems.
The pink Zooms are very very hard and slippery. They have what seem to be extra deep groves that pick up every speck of dirt on the track. I’ve been spending 45 minutes after practice to scrape the accumulated gunk out of the wheels with a variety of tools and they’re still not clean. Skating on these wheels is like riding in a car with no suspension. You feel every tiny crack on the infield (and forget about the bigger ones) and where each panel of the track meets the next. You get 0 traction in your stride.
The Witch Doctors though… they’re like skating on grippy fast clouds. I’m gonna have their little blue “VooDooThane” babies. All 8 of them.
2 comments March 18th, 2008
The water did in the FantasticFujiFunpix that I got for Christmas last year.
I will be accepting nominations for my new camera.
*sigh*
Add comment March 14th, 2008
Dear Track,
We really have to stop meeting like this.
I appreciate the way your slopes hurtle me into the straights when I can remember to skate the track and push through the turns. I cherish your rail, which guards me from being flung out of the corners. In fact, I am even grateful for your cushy, smooshy masonite, without which I would be left to fling my ample ass onto less forgiving surfaces such as concrete or hardwood.
But seriously, Track…
It’s not you. It’s me. My left thigh has been drawn to you like cats to a laser pointer for the last two weeks. I can’t take it anymore. I’m losing sleep, literally. Like, I can’t sleep on my left side and I’m a toss-turn sleeper. I’m putting my skate down, Track (and then picking it up again… over and over… ’cause that’s how derby works) and vowing to end this torrid affair you’re having with my thigh. It will be hard, I know. It is so meaty and luscious, what track wouldn’t want to gobble that thigh up? But I know if I bend my knees and stay low and stick my ass out like I’m pooping on the track, I can put an end to my thigh’s fascination with your lovely gray surface. Also, I’m calling in reinforcements.
<3 <3
me
2 comments March 12th, 2008
ankle baking beach beer bruises camera car derby dream elbow elephants grr hate IM kaiser knee margaritas math money oh noes pain photos pity party psa recipe rick-rolling roller derby san diego sexy bruise time soy milk spaz sprain stab stupid fuckin fuck taxes teh suck tired topenga vegan violence wheels yay zoo zucchini